In Fighter Pilot Heaven:
- Everybody's a Captain except God.... He's a Major.
- You only come to work when you're going to fly....
- You fly three times a day except Friday.
- You never run out of gas.
- The missions are only one hour long and no briefings are ever required.
- You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
- It is always VFR and there are never any ATC delays.
- You can fly out of the area and flight down to 50' AGL is approved.
- There are no "over G's".
- You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20', then break left.
- You can go cross-country anytime you desire. The farther the better!
- There are no ORI's (Operational Readiness Inspections).
- There is no SOF (Supervisor of Flying) or mobile tower duty.
- There are no Friday meetings, but Friday evening "Stag Bar" is mandatory.
- There are no Flight Surgeons.
- There are no Wing staff jobs.
- You don't need a kitchen pass, and the kitchen and bar are always open.
- "Happy Hour" begins at 1400 hours and lasts til 0200 hours.
- Supersof is the bartender. The other five are big-bosomed blondes.
- Beer is free, but whiskey costs five cents.
- The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels, and Beefeaters.
- The girls are all friendly and each fighter pilot is allowed three.
- There are no fat women and the thin ones look like Sophia Loren.
- Country and Western music is free on the juke box.
- The craps tables are always HOT and you never lose at blackjack!
- You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded at the club.
- The sun always shines and you can put your hat in your leg pocket.
- Flight suits are allowed in the Officers Club at all times.
- The motor pool always provides a staff car for visiting fighter pilots.
- The Base Exchange always has every item you ask for. Most are free.
- There are never any cross-wind landings and the runways are always dry.
- Control tower flybys for a wheels UP check can be made at 600 knots.
- There are never any noise complaints.
- Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
- ER's (Efficiency Reports) always contain the statement "Outstanding Officer".
- Formal functions requiring Class "A" or formal attire never occur.
- "Ace" status is conferred upon all fighter pilots entering Heaven.
- There is no Hell.
- All air traffic controllers are friendly, and always provide priority handling.
- The airplanes never break.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Fighter Pilot
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
Thursday, November 23, 2006
What time is it? - air forces jokes and humor
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
BEGINNER'S PLUCK
When he came home on leave after short service in the Army his parents asked him how he liked his first months in the Army.
"You know," he said, "A six-year old boy was also asked how he liked his very first day at school. He replied: 'Guess what, Mom? They want me back I could answer in the same way.' "
"You know," he said, "A six-year old boy was also asked how he liked his very first day at school. He replied: 'Guess what, Mom? They want me back I could answer in the same way.' "
You might have a redneck in your military unit if...
... the cadence calls he wrote for the unit, are accompanied by dueling banjos.
... he keeps asking the MPs to take the guard dogs hunting.
... his ACUs have cut off sleeves.
... he asks if you have a tank made by John Deere.
... he thinks "Smokey and the Bandit" was a war film.
... you notice during inspection that his bunk has two holes in the bed sheet.
... he thinks BDUs are formal wear.
... his uniform nametape says "Billy Bob".
... he puts deer whistles on the front of the tank.
... he has a gun rack on his backpack.
... he asks which M.R.E. has 'possum
... he throws himself up against the wall every time the MPs walk by.
... you find live bait in his footlocker.
... he puts an 8-track tape player in the humvee.
... if he refers to the field latrine as 'modern technology'.
... he tries to design a new beret, out of a hubcap.
... he needs little training during basic on how to throw a grenade. How many times can he get by with 'pull pin, throw pin, wait for explosion'?
... he keeps asking the MPs to take the guard dogs hunting.
... his ACUs have cut off sleeves.
... he asks if you have a tank made by John Deere.
... he thinks "Smokey and the Bandit" was a war film.
... you notice during inspection that his bunk has two holes in the bed sheet.
... he thinks BDUs are formal wear.
... his uniform nametape says "Billy Bob".
... he puts deer whistles on the front of the tank.
... he has a gun rack on his backpack.
... he asks which M.R.E. has 'possum
... he throws himself up against the wall every time the MPs walk by.
... you find live bait in his footlocker.
... he puts an 8-track tape player in the humvee.
... if he refers to the field latrine as 'modern technology'.
... he tries to design a new beret, out of a hubcap.
... he needs little training during basic on how to throw a grenade. How many times can he get by with 'pull pin, throw pin, wait for explosion'?
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Prediction methods for MTBF
By Stalker, Edward, Capt AFLMA
Arrived in my Email with a garbled return address. From context, it looks like a British or Australian document.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHORT COMMUNICATIONS
RELIABILITY PREDICTION USING ALTERNATIVE METHODS*
1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 Alternative methods may be used for predicting reliability, when approved by the Project Manager. This section outlines these methods and the conditions under which they may be applied.
2. METHODS 2.1 The alternative methods covered by this section are:
(a) Crystal ball (b) Astrological (c) Wet finger (d) Miscellaneous techniques (Tarot cards, ouija boards, etc.) (e) Witchcraft These will be discussed, in turn.
2.2 Crystal ball Crystal balls may be used, if operated by qualified personnel. Qualified personnel include gypsies and other operators approved by NATO AQAP-1, and reliability engineers in AQAP- 1 approved companies. Crystal balls must be calibrated against master standards in accordance with AQAP-6.
2.3 Astrology Astrological prediction methods may be used, but only as applied by AQAP-1 approved astrological scientists. Use of astrological data from daily newspapers, etc., is not acceptable, as these do not necessarily meet approval criteria and are not traceable. For astrological predictions, the dates of birth of the following must be provided:
(a) Project managers (MOD and supplier) (b) Senior reliability engineer (c) Chief designer (d) Secretaries of above, if they are evaluated as likely to affect attitudes, motivation and performance. (e) All the people who will make any part of the system. ( These data are only required when prediction accuracy of better than 0.001 percent is required).
2.4 Wet finger This is a simple and popular method, particularly among project managers. Since little expertise is required, it is a low-cost method. It features some of the disadvantages of the witchcraft methods (see below), but the secondary effects are less unpredictable, particularly if the personnel making the predictions are replaced or forget what the prediction was.
2.5 Miscellaneous methods Other methods may be used, e.g. Tarot cards, ouija boards, tea leaves, etc., but only by qualified staff or consultants approved as above. In any case, appropriate data must be provided as required by the operator.
2.6 Witchcraft Witchcraft may be used. However, this method of prediction is a reliability forcing process, rather than a prediction. Great care must be exercised to ensure that only achievable, conservative MTBF values are forced in this way, since death, serious injury, or madness can result if personnel observe failures or running times which lead to MTBFs different to the set values. There are no defence or Military standards for witches, so operator selection is difficult. It is advisable to employ one or more witches on a project, preferably as part of the reliability team, if this method is to be used. However, care must be exercised to ensure that they confine their powers to the reliability requirement. Security clearance can sometimes present further difficulties, particularly for non- NATO practitioners such as witch doctors, obeah men voodoo priests, etc. Note: Secretaries should not be asked to perform these rites, even when appearance indicate likely competence.
3. PREDICTION ACCURACY
3.1 These alternative methods described generally provide much more accurate reliability predictions than the other techniques described in this standard, e.g. MIL-HDBK-217E. In most cases individual failure events, not merely MTBFs, can be predicted, if appropriate resources are applied.
* Editor's note; This document was found circulating in official corridors. It is reproduced for information, without comment.
Arrived in my Email with a garbled return address. From context, it looks like a British or Australian document.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHORT COMMUNICATIONS
RELIABILITY PREDICTION USING ALTERNATIVE METHODS*
1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 Alternative methods may be used for predicting reliability, when approved by the Project Manager. This section outlines these methods and the conditions under which they may be applied.
2. METHODS 2.1 The alternative methods covered by this section are:
(a) Crystal ball (b) Astrological (c) Wet finger (d) Miscellaneous techniques (Tarot cards, ouija boards, etc.) (e) Witchcraft These will be discussed, in turn.
2.2 Crystal ball Crystal balls may be used, if operated by qualified personnel. Qualified personnel include gypsies and other operators approved by NATO AQAP-1, and reliability engineers in AQAP- 1 approved companies. Crystal balls must be calibrated against master standards in accordance with AQAP-6.
2.3 Astrology Astrological prediction methods may be used, but only as applied by AQAP-1 approved astrological scientists. Use of astrological data from daily newspapers, etc., is not acceptable, as these do not necessarily meet approval criteria and are not traceable. For astrological predictions, the dates of birth of the following must be provided:
(a) Project managers (MOD and supplier) (b) Senior reliability engineer (c) Chief designer (d) Secretaries of above, if they are evaluated as likely to affect attitudes, motivation and performance. (e) All the people who will make any part of the system. ( These data are only required when prediction accuracy of better than 0.001 percent is required).
2.4 Wet finger This is a simple and popular method, particularly among project managers. Since little expertise is required, it is a low-cost method. It features some of the disadvantages of the witchcraft methods (see below), but the secondary effects are less unpredictable, particularly if the personnel making the predictions are replaced or forget what the prediction was.
2.5 Miscellaneous methods Other methods may be used, e.g. Tarot cards, ouija boards, tea leaves, etc., but only by qualified staff or consultants approved as above. In any case, appropriate data must be provided as required by the operator.
2.6 Witchcraft Witchcraft may be used. However, this method of prediction is a reliability forcing process, rather than a prediction. Great care must be exercised to ensure that only achievable, conservative MTBF values are forced in this way, since death, serious injury, or madness can result if personnel observe failures or running times which lead to MTBFs different to the set values. There are no defence or Military standards for witches, so operator selection is difficult. It is advisable to employ one or more witches on a project, preferably as part of the reliability team, if this method is to be used. However, care must be exercised to ensure that they confine their powers to the reliability requirement. Security clearance can sometimes present further difficulties, particularly for non- NATO practitioners such as witch doctors, obeah men voodoo priests, etc. Note: Secretaries should not be asked to perform these rites, even when appearance indicate likely competence.
3. PREDICTION ACCURACY
3.1 These alternative methods described generally provide much more accurate reliability predictions than the other techniques described in this standard, e.g. MIL-HDBK-217E. In most cases individual failure events, not merely MTBFs, can be predicted, if appropriate resources are applied.
* Editor's note; This document was found circulating in official corridors. It is reproduced for information, without comment.
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