Military Affairs

Three men met at a military function and started to introduce themselves to one another.First man: I am a Major in the Air Force, married, have two sons – one is a doctor and the other a lawyer.Second man: I am a Major in the Marines, married, have two sons – one is a businessman and the other a company chief executive.Third man: I am a Private in the Army, unmarried, have two sons – and both are Majors!

Snow job

Airmen had to launch two E-3 AWACS from a National Guard base after a heavey snow strom. Well after a 5 hour delay waiting for the snow to be plowed of, they were able to take-off. The planes taxied off and stoped a hundred yards to the flight line. The civilians had forgot to finish the rest of the taxi way.

Military Duty Hours

MARINES: Reveille at 05:00, train until 20:00.
ARMY: Reveille at 06:00, train until 19:00.
NAVY: Get out of bed at 09:00, train until 11:00, lunch until 13:00, train until 16:00.
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 10:00, breakfast in bed, train from 11:00 to 12:00, lunch at 12:00, train from 13:00 to 14:00, nap at 14:00, awaken from nap at 15:00, training ceases at 15:00.

In Fighter Pilot Heaven:

In Fighter Pilot Heaven:
- Everybody's a Captain except God.... He's a Major.
- You only come to work when you're going to fly....
- You fly three times a day except Friday.
- You never run out of gas.
- The missions are only one hour long and no briefings are ever required.
- You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
- It is always VFR and there are never any ATC delays.
- You can fly out of the area and flight down to 50' AGL is approved.
- There are no "over G's".
- You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20', then break left.
- You can go cross-country anytime you desire. The farther the better!
- There are no ORI's (Operational Readiness Inspections).
- There is no SOF (Supervisor of Flying) or mobile tower duty.
- There are no Friday meetings, but Friday evening "Stag Bar" is mandatory.
- There are no Flight Surgeons.
- There are no Wing staff jobs.
- You don't need a kitchen pass, and the kitchen and bar are always open.
- "Happy Hour" begins at 1400 hours and lasts til 0200 hours.
- Supersof is the bartender. The other five are big-bosomed blondes.
- Beer is free, but whiskey costs five cents.
- The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels, and Beefeaters.
- The girls are all friendly and each fighter pilot is allowed three.
- There are no fat women and the thin ones look like Sophia Loren.
- Country and Western music is free on the juke box.
- The craps tables are always HOT and you never lose at blackjack!
- You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded at the club.
- The sun always shines and you can put your hat in your leg pocket.
- Flight suits are allowed in the Officers Club at all times.
- The motor pool always provides a staff car for visiting fighter pilots.
- The Base Exchange always has every item you ask for. Most are free.
- There are never any cross-wind landings and the runways are always dry.
- Control tower flybys for a wheels UP check can be made at 600 knots.
- There are never any noise complaints.
- Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
- ER's (Efficiency Reports) always contain the statement "Outstanding Officer".
- Formal functions requiring Class "A" or formal attire never occur.
- "Ace" status is conferred upon all fighter pilots entering Heaven.
- There is no Hell.
- All air traffic controllers are friendly, and always provide priority handling.
- The airplanes never break.

Fighter Pilot

He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"

Road accident

There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"

The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."

The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.

He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.

The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

What time is it?

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."

Military Talk

One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.