In Fighter Pilot Heaven:
- Everybody's a Captain except God.... He's a Major.
- You only come to work when you're going to fly....
- You fly three times a day except Friday.
- You never run out of gas.
- The missions are only one hour long and no briefings are ever required.
- You are always on TDY and there are no check rides.
- It is always VFR and there are never any ATC delays.
- You can fly out of the area and flight down to 50' AGL is approved.
- There are no "over G's".
- You always fly overhead landing patterns with initial approach at 20', then break left.
- You can go cross-country anytime you desire. The farther the better!
- There are no ORI's (Operational Readiness Inspections).
- There is no SOF (Supervisor of Flying) or mobile tower duty.
- There are no Friday meetings, but Friday evening "Stag Bar" is mandatory.
- There are no Flight Surgeons.
- There are no Wing staff jobs.
- You don't need a kitchen pass, and the kitchen and bar are always open.
- "Happy Hour" begins at 1400 hours and lasts til 0200 hours.
- Supersof is the bartender. The other five are big-bosomed blondes.
- Beer is free, but whiskey costs five cents.
- The bar serves only Chivas Regal, Jack Daniels, and Beefeaters.
- The girls are all friendly and each fighter pilot is allowed three.
- There are no fat women and the thin ones look like Sophia Loren.
- Country and Western music is free on the juke box.
- The craps tables are always HOT and you never lose at blackjack!
- You never lose your room key and your buddies never leave you stranded at the club.
- The sun always shines and you can put your hat in your leg pocket.
- Flight suits are allowed in the Officers Club at all times.
- The motor pool always provides a staff car for visiting fighter pilots.
- The Base Exchange always has every item you ask for. Most are free.
- There are never any cross-wind landings and the runways are always dry.
- Control tower flybys for a wheels UP check can be made at 600 knots.
- There are never any noise complaints.
- Full afterburner climbs over your house are encouraged.
- ER's (Efficiency Reports) always contain the statement "Outstanding Officer".
- Formal functions requiring Class "A" or formal attire never occur.
- "Ace" status is conferred upon all fighter pilots entering Heaven.
- There is no Hell.
- All air traffic controllers are friendly, and always provide priority handling.
- The airplanes never break.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Fighter Pilot
He was a ragged looking old man who shuffled into the bar that afternoon. Stinking of whiskey and cigarettes, his hands shook as he took the "Piano Player Wanted" sign from the window and gave it to the bartender. "I'd like to apply for the job," he said.
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
The bar-keep wasn't too sure about this doubtful looking old guy, but it had been awhile since he had a player and business was falling off. "What do you do?" he asked.
"I used to be a fighter pilot in Vietnam," was the answer. Now, really unsure, the bar-keep decided to give him a try...he really needed more business. "The piano is over there...give it a go."
The old man staggered his way over to the piano and several patrons snickered. But, by the time he was into the third bar of music, every voice was silenced. What followed was a rhapsody of sound and music unlike anyone had ever heard in the bar before. When he finished, there wasn't a dry eye in the place.
The bartender brought the old guy a beer and said that he sounded really, really good. "What do you call that?" he asked.
"It's called Drop Your Panties, Baby, We're Gonna Rock Tonight," said the old pilot as he took a long pull from the beer. "I got another," ...and he began to play again. What followed was a knee-slappin' hand-clappin' bit of ragtime that had the place jumping.
People were coming in from the streets to hear this guy play. After he finished, the pilot acknowledged the applause and told the crowd that the song was called "Big Boobs Make My Afterburner dance." He then excused himself as he lurched off to the men's room.
After thinking a bit, the bartender decided to hire the guy, no matter how bad he looked, or what his songs were called. When the guy came out of the men's room, the bartender went over to tell him he had the job, but noticed that the pilot's fly was undone and his member was hanging out.
He said, "The job is yours but first I got to ask, do you know your fly is undone and your dick is hanging out?"
"Know it?" the pilot replied, "Hell, I wrote it!"
Thursday, November 23, 2006
What time is it? - air forces jokes and humor
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
BEGINNER'S PLUCK
When he came home on leave after short service in the Army his parents asked him how he liked his first months in the Army.
"You know," he said, "A six-year old boy was also asked how he liked his very first day at school. He replied: 'Guess what, Mom? They want me back I could answer in the same way.' "
"You know," he said, "A six-year old boy was also asked how he liked his very first day at school. He replied: 'Guess what, Mom? They want me back I could answer in the same way.' "
You might have a redneck in your military unit if...
... the cadence calls he wrote for the unit, are accompanied by dueling banjos.
... he keeps asking the MPs to take the guard dogs hunting.
... his ACUs have cut off sleeves.
... he asks if you have a tank made by John Deere.
... he thinks "Smokey and the Bandit" was a war film.
... you notice during inspection that his bunk has two holes in the bed sheet.
... he thinks BDUs are formal wear.
... his uniform nametape says "Billy Bob".
... he puts deer whistles on the front of the tank.
... he has a gun rack on his backpack.
... he asks which M.R.E. has 'possum
... he throws himself up against the wall every time the MPs walk by.
... you find live bait in his footlocker.
... he puts an 8-track tape player in the humvee.
... if he refers to the field latrine as 'modern technology'.
... he tries to design a new beret, out of a hubcap.
... he needs little training during basic on how to throw a grenade. How many times can he get by with 'pull pin, throw pin, wait for explosion'?
... he keeps asking the MPs to take the guard dogs hunting.
... his ACUs have cut off sleeves.
... he asks if you have a tank made by John Deere.
... he thinks "Smokey and the Bandit" was a war film.
... you notice during inspection that his bunk has two holes in the bed sheet.
... he thinks BDUs are formal wear.
... his uniform nametape says "Billy Bob".
... he puts deer whistles on the front of the tank.
... he has a gun rack on his backpack.
... he asks which M.R.E. has 'possum
... he throws himself up against the wall every time the MPs walk by.
... you find live bait in his footlocker.
... he puts an 8-track tape player in the humvee.
... if he refers to the field latrine as 'modern technology'.
... he tries to design a new beret, out of a hubcap.
... he needs little training during basic on how to throw a grenade. How many times can he get by with 'pull pin, throw pin, wait for explosion'?
Sunday, September 24, 2006
Prediction methods for MTBF
By Stalker, Edward, Capt AFLMA
Arrived in my Email with a garbled return address. From context, it looks like a British or Australian document.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHORT COMMUNICATIONS
RELIABILITY PREDICTION USING ALTERNATIVE METHODS*
1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 Alternative methods may be used for predicting reliability, when approved by the Project Manager. This section outlines these methods and the conditions under which they may be applied.
2. METHODS 2.1 The alternative methods covered by this section are:
(a) Crystal ball (b) Astrological (c) Wet finger (d) Miscellaneous techniques (Tarot cards, ouija boards, etc.) (e) Witchcraft These will be discussed, in turn.
2.2 Crystal ball Crystal balls may be used, if operated by qualified personnel. Qualified personnel include gypsies and other operators approved by NATO AQAP-1, and reliability engineers in AQAP- 1 approved companies. Crystal balls must be calibrated against master standards in accordance with AQAP-6.
2.3 Astrology Astrological prediction methods may be used, but only as applied by AQAP-1 approved astrological scientists. Use of astrological data from daily newspapers, etc., is not acceptable, as these do not necessarily meet approval criteria and are not traceable. For astrological predictions, the dates of birth of the following must be provided:
(a) Project managers (MOD and supplier) (b) Senior reliability engineer (c) Chief designer (d) Secretaries of above, if they are evaluated as likely to affect attitudes, motivation and performance. (e) All the people who will make any part of the system. ( These data are only required when prediction accuracy of better than 0.001 percent is required).
2.4 Wet finger This is a simple and popular method, particularly among project managers. Since little expertise is required, it is a low-cost method. It features some of the disadvantages of the witchcraft methods (see below), but the secondary effects are less unpredictable, particularly if the personnel making the predictions are replaced or forget what the prediction was.
2.5 Miscellaneous methods Other methods may be used, e.g. Tarot cards, ouija boards, tea leaves, etc., but only by qualified staff or consultants approved as above. In any case, appropriate data must be provided as required by the operator.
2.6 Witchcraft Witchcraft may be used. However, this method of prediction is a reliability forcing process, rather than a prediction. Great care must be exercised to ensure that only achievable, conservative MTBF values are forced in this way, since death, serious injury, or madness can result if personnel observe failures or running times which lead to MTBFs different to the set values. There are no defence or Military standards for witches, so operator selection is difficult. It is advisable to employ one or more witches on a project, preferably as part of the reliability team, if this method is to be used. However, care must be exercised to ensure that they confine their powers to the reliability requirement. Security clearance can sometimes present further difficulties, particularly for non- NATO practitioners such as witch doctors, obeah men voodoo priests, etc. Note: Secretaries should not be asked to perform these rites, even when appearance indicate likely competence.
3. PREDICTION ACCURACY
3.1 These alternative methods described generally provide much more accurate reliability predictions than the other techniques described in this standard, e.g. MIL-HDBK-217E. In most cases individual failure events, not merely MTBFs, can be predicted, if appropriate resources are applied.
* Editor's note; This document was found circulating in official corridors. It is reproduced for information, without comment.
Arrived in my Email with a garbled return address. From context, it looks like a British or Australian document.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
SHORT COMMUNICATIONS
RELIABILITY PREDICTION USING ALTERNATIVE METHODS*
1. INTRODUCTION
1.1 Alternative methods may be used for predicting reliability, when approved by the Project Manager. This section outlines these methods and the conditions under which they may be applied.
2. METHODS 2.1 The alternative methods covered by this section are:
(a) Crystal ball (b) Astrological (c) Wet finger (d) Miscellaneous techniques (Tarot cards, ouija boards, etc.) (e) Witchcraft These will be discussed, in turn.
2.2 Crystal ball Crystal balls may be used, if operated by qualified personnel. Qualified personnel include gypsies and other operators approved by NATO AQAP-1, and reliability engineers in AQAP- 1 approved companies. Crystal balls must be calibrated against master standards in accordance with AQAP-6.
2.3 Astrology Astrological prediction methods may be used, but only as applied by AQAP-1 approved astrological scientists. Use of astrological data from daily newspapers, etc., is not acceptable, as these do not necessarily meet approval criteria and are not traceable. For astrological predictions, the dates of birth of the following must be provided:
(a) Project managers (MOD and supplier) (b) Senior reliability engineer (c) Chief designer (d) Secretaries of above, if they are evaluated as likely to affect attitudes, motivation and performance. (e) All the people who will make any part of the system. ( These data are only required when prediction accuracy of better than 0.001 percent is required).
2.4 Wet finger This is a simple and popular method, particularly among project managers. Since little expertise is required, it is a low-cost method. It features some of the disadvantages of the witchcraft methods (see below), but the secondary effects are less unpredictable, particularly if the personnel making the predictions are replaced or forget what the prediction was.
2.5 Miscellaneous methods Other methods may be used, e.g. Tarot cards, ouija boards, tea leaves, etc., but only by qualified staff or consultants approved as above. In any case, appropriate data must be provided as required by the operator.
2.6 Witchcraft Witchcraft may be used. However, this method of prediction is a reliability forcing process, rather than a prediction. Great care must be exercised to ensure that only achievable, conservative MTBF values are forced in this way, since death, serious injury, or madness can result if personnel observe failures or running times which lead to MTBFs different to the set values. There are no defence or Military standards for witches, so operator selection is difficult. It is advisable to employ one or more witches on a project, preferably as part of the reliability team, if this method is to be used. However, care must be exercised to ensure that they confine their powers to the reliability requirement. Security clearance can sometimes present further difficulties, particularly for non- NATO practitioners such as witch doctors, obeah men voodoo priests, etc. Note: Secretaries should not be asked to perform these rites, even when appearance indicate likely competence.
3. PREDICTION ACCURACY
3.1 These alternative methods described generally provide much more accurate reliability predictions than the other techniques described in this standard, e.g. MIL-HDBK-217E. In most cases individual failure events, not merely MTBFs, can be predicted, if appropriate resources are applied.
* Editor's note; This document was found circulating in official corridors. It is reproduced for information, without comment.
Harmonica
A solider stationed in the South Pacific wrote to his wife in the States to please send him a harmonica to occupy his free time and keep his mind off of the local women. The wife complied and sent the best one she could find, along with several dozen lesson & music books.
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Rotated back home, he rushed to their home and thru the front door. "Oh darling" he gushed, "Come here... let me look at you... let me hold you ! Let's have a fine dinner out, then make love all night. I've missed your lovin' so much !"
The wife, keeping her distance, said, "All in good time lover. First, let's hear you play that harmonica."
Friday, September 22, 2006
A soldier, a marine, and an airman
A soldier, a marine, and an airman got into a fight about which service is best. The fight was so heated, that they killed each other.
Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask, “WhichBranch of Service is the best?”
St. Peter replied, “I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him.”
Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find theanswer.
Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note inits beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:“Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are ‘Honorable and Noble’. Each oneof you has served your country well. Be proud of that.
(signed)GOD, USN (Ret.)”
Soon, they found themselves in Heaven. They see St. Peter walk by and ask, “WhichBranch of Service is the best?”
St. Peter replied, “I can't answer that. But, I will ask God what He thinks the next time I see Him.”
Some time later, the three see St. Peter again and ask him if he was able to find theanswer.
Suddenly, a dove landed on St. Peter's shoulder. The dove was carrying a note inits beak. St. Peter opened the note and read it out loud to the three fellows:“Gentlemen: All the Branches of the Service are ‘Honorable and Noble’. Each oneof you has served your country well. Be proud of that.
(signed)GOD, USN (Ret.)”
You Might Be a military brat...
- if you actually like the clothes at the PX and don't mind that 100 other people are wearing the same thing.
- if you wish you were back at the last place you were stationed and are only 10.
- if the question "where are you from?" is awnsered with "I'm kinda from all over the place."
- if you are amazed at people who have never left their hometown. If you are commonly asked, "Is it hard always moving around?" and you don't know anything different.
- if you are commonly asked, "Is it hard always moving around" and you don't know anything different.
- if you goto a grocery store but insist on calling it a commisary.
- if you have ever bagged groceries at the commisary on payday.
- if you had/still have hospital corners on your bed.
- if you don't really know the answer to the question "what is your home town".
- if you ever feared turning 21 because they would take your id card away.
- if you have spent more time on a military base than in real town even though you've been a civilian all your life.
- if you ever got restricted to quarters or put on KP duty as a kid.
- if you had a father who was always telling you to "Go police up your room!"
- if you have ever been "dropped" for your grades at school.
- if you have to explain that being born in Germany does not make you German.
- if you know what "the land of the big PX" means.
- if you actually miss shopping at AAFES or the PX.
- if you have ever had to have an ID card to get back home from "down range".
- if you have ever asked "CPT Smith, can Tommy come out and play?".
- if you graduate from 12th grade and it was your 13th school.
- if you had to tell your math teacher last school was teaching subtraction ,new school was on division and you missed multiplication
- If you live in one state and your father/mother lives in another because they were newly stationed there
from http://miljokes.com
Thursday, September 21, 2006
In the Navy
As a midshipman I was assigned to a cruiser one summer. There was a boatswain's mate, happened to be black, named Johnny Johnson in the first division and he stood watches in-port on the quarterdeck and on the bridge at sea. Some of his announcements on the 1MC (general announcement PA system) were classics ---
In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:
"Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail."
A very pregnant pause
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!"
Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD.
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier."
This was a different day but he was piping "general visiting"
"Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard."
In port, tied up to a pier in New York City:
"Now sweepahs sweepahs start your brooms. Sweep down all lower decks, ladders, and passageways. Empty all shit cans ovah da fantail."
A very pregnant pause
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all shit cans on da pier!"
Another pause, now he's obviously reading something written by the OOD.
"Delay dat word on shit cans, empty all trash _receptacles_ into the _containers_ provided on the pier."
This was a different day but he was piping "general visiting"
"Now all hands rig for genrahl visitin! All hands is reminded to watch der language, we got cunt aboard."
Normal procedure
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked, "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
"Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area."
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
The American Infantryman
The following circulated among us MEN in the Army - just goes to show that we didn't take ourselves TOO serious:
I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country's representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation's defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?
Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.
In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she'd be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my way out, I cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a
stuck pig when the British burned Washington. New Orleans, the only battle I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the peace treaty. Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.
After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or backward peoples. The Indians fit the bill nicely. Generally speaking, I bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows. What's more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took potshots at me. But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine (except for the Seminoles).
Mexico also fit the bill. I did a lot better there than in Canada. By the way, if you're thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend your Spanish speaking countries.
In the Civil War, I fought on both sides. Toward the end I changed sides. In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way I did later in South Vietnam, there'd be Customs officials on the Mason-Dixon Line right now. Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again in the Phillipines.
I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats. If you know what you're doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett's Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights". Anyway, I wised up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their teepees with cannon from four miles away.
Then, I handily beat Spain's seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila. Along the way I turned a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan Hill, into a famous victory. I picked up Panama at an auction and spent fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic, the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle. I went into Mexico again after Pancho Villa, but they'd picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I said the hell with it.
I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I, buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the major event of the war. Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?
I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it. I actually had to do some fighting, but fortuantely I've always had some pretty sharp scientists to back me up. Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge, whether it's Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire. They came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me off the hook.
In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that China wasn't a Spanish-speaking country.
Since then, I've taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada, and backed out of the Suez and Cuba. In Vietnam, I used all my tricks picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great victories, all of it. It didn't work. I lost, and everybody knows it.
I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE. FOLLOW ME!
by Mike Schmitt, The Boeing Co., BAC MMST, Seattle, WA
From http://miljokes.com
I am the Infantry, Queen of Battle! I sit tight, stoned out of my squach while my country's representatives meet the enemy face-to-face and will-to-will across the peace table. For two centuries I have been the weak link in our nation's defense, I am the Infantry! Follow Me?
Both easy victories and well-covered-up defeats I have known. Frankly, I owe a lot to friendly historians.
In the Revolution I spent most of my time slinking around out of uniform taking potshots at British troops from behind rocks. I invaded Canada, and even that was a failure. My best general went over the the British. For a while there I didn't know whether to shit or wind my watch, but the French navy pulled my chestnuts out of the fire.
I took on Britain again in 1812 thinking she'd be too busy with Napoleon to notice. I invaded Canada again and got beaten again. On my way out, I cravenly put the torch to the House of Parliament and then screamed like a
stuck pig when the British burned Washington. New Orleans, the only battle I won, was fought after my gallant negotiators in Paris had signed the peace treaty. Incidentally, I won it with my usual tactic of hiding behind some rocks and taking potshots at the British troops.
After that I vowed to pick fights only with unusually weak, stupid, or backward peoples. The Indians fit the bill nicely. Generally speaking, I bought them off, bullied them, or got them drunk, but occasionally I had to fight it out, with a numerical superiority of only ten to one and nothing but my self-loading rifle to stand against their fierce spears and arrows. What's more, cowards that they were, they often hid behing rocks and took potshots at me. But I persevered, and in fifty-five years victory was mine (except for the Seminoles).
Mexico also fit the bill. I did a lot better there than in Canada. By the way, if you're thinking of building a military tradition, I really recommend your Spanish speaking countries.
In the Civil War, I fought on both sides. Toward the end I changed sides. In the North I fielded two dozen of the worst generals in the history of modern warfare, and if the British had come to the aid of the South the way I did later in South Vietnam, there'd be Customs officials on the Mason-Dixon Line right now. Once I had it won, I marched to the sea in a cowardly and wanton punitive expedition that held the record for atrocities committed against civilians for half a century, after which I won it again in the Phillipines.
I went back to massacring Indians for a while, just to keep my hand in and added the Little Big Horn to my list of showy defeats. If you know what you're doing, you can make routes like that and the Alamo and Pickett's Charge into "heroic stands" or "glorious doomed fights". Anyway, I wised up after that and just surrounded Indian villages and fired into their teepees with cannon from four miles away.
Then, I handily beat Spain's seventeenth century army in Cuba while my naval comrades sunk her twelfth-century fleet in Manila. Along the way I turned a major military blunder, the costly charge up the wrong side of San Juan Hill, into a famous victory. I picked up Panama at an auction and spent fifteen years pacifying the Philippines with the .45 caliber automatic, the Gatling gun, and the Krag buffalo rifle. I went into Mexico again after Pancho Villa, but they'd picked up the knack of hiding behind rocks, so I said the hell with it.
I waited just as long as I decently could before getting into World War I, buy my valorous historians made my six months of fighting sound like the major event of the war. Australia, New Zealand, and Canada had ten times the troops fighting eight times as long, and you never heard of them, right?
I pulled the same trick in World War II, but the Japanese forced me into it about three years early when my commander in chief left the entire Pacific Fleet in Pearl Harbor with a "Bomb Me" sign on it. I actually had to do some fighting, but fortuantely I've always had some pretty sharp scientists to back me up. Let me tell you, it helps to have the technological edge, whether it's Winchesters over arrows or grapeshot over musket fire. They came up with napalm, the Norden bombsight and the atom bomb, and got me off the hook.
In Korea I managed to blow a sure thing when my commanders forgot that rivers like the Yalu turn into roads at 32 degrees Fahrenheit - and that China wasn't a Spanish-speaking country.
Since then, I've taken on Lebanon and the Dominican Republic, and Grenada, and backed out of the Suez and Cuba. In Vietnam, I used all my tricks picking on small, primitive countries, taking potshots from the air (my scientists built fort of a flying rock to hide in), shelling villages from four miles away, pretending that mistakes like Hamburger Hill were great victories, all of it. It didn't work. I lost, and everybody knows it.
I AM THE INFANTRY, QUEEN OF BATTLE. FOLLOW ME!
by Mike Schmitt, The Boeing Co., BAC MMST, Seattle, WA
From http://miljokes.com
Do you have ticket?
Some enlisted men were having trouble getting past the guard at the train station. He said that he couldn't allow anyone through without a ticket. Anyone! An officer came along. The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs. I mean, they're protecting us, but I have orders. They're trying to get on without a ticket."
The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! Now forward march!"
Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."
The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"
The officer said, "Let me take care of this." Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! Now forward march!"
Smartly, past a stunned guard, the men marched through the gate and onto the train. Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. You're a great guy."
The officer said, "That's all right. I didn't have a ticket either!"
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Army war game
During an Army war game, a commanding officer's jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
"Sorry sir," said one of the loafers, "but we've been classified dead and the umpire said we couldn't contribute in any way."
The C.O. turned to his driver and said, "Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction."
Saturday, September 16, 2006
Drunk recruit
Ah Seng, a recruit, was a bit of a loner. He took to drinking heavily whenever he booked out for the weekend. One weekend, he returned so drunk that he was told to see the Commanding Officer immediately. "Look Ah Seng, why don't you shape up?" said the CO, who was something of a softie. "There is a real future for you here if you sober up. You could become a corporal, or even a sergeant! Isn't that something to look forward to?" Ah Seng replied,"Well, Sir, to tell you the truth, that's really not good enough for me because after a few glasses of Tiger, I feel like a colonel!"
Friday, September 15, 2006
Road accident
There's a guy from ARMY driving from West Point to the Meadowlands, a guy from the NAVY was driving from Annapolis to the Meadowlands, and an Air Force guy who's driving from McGwire in South Jerz to the Meadowlands just to watch the Jets.
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other and all cars go flying off in different directions. The squid manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Man, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise the ARMY guy scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. The Air Force guy just shakes his head and says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!"
The NAVY guy walks over to the ARMY and Air Force guys and says, "Hey guys, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals." The ARMY guy thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends."
The Air Force guy says "Let me see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and finds a full unopened bottle of Jack Daniels.
He says to the NAVY and Army guys, "I think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship." The Swabbie says, "You're right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle the Squid hands it to the ARMY guy and says, "Your turn! The ARMY guy sucks down a third and hands the bottle back to the Air Force guy.
The Air Force guy puts the cap back on the bottle and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."
French naval pun
[Heard years ago on the BBC Radio 4 programme `Quote Unquote']
It is a little known fact that the French Navy has for many years had a motto, the mere mention of which excites its hot-blooded members to combat and conquest.
In English it can be rendered "To the water; it is time".
In the original French, however, it reads: "A l'eau; c'est l'heure".
It is a little known fact that the French Navy has for many years had a motto, the mere mention of which excites its hot-blooded members to combat and conquest.
In English it can be rendered "To the water; it is time".
In the original French, however, it reads: "A l'eau; c'est l'heure".
Thursday, September 14, 2006
What time is it?
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"
The tower replied "It makes a lot of difference. If it is an American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon."
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
The Image Of Rank
General:
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.
Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.
Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.
Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.
Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to animals.
First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
Second Lieutenant:
Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.
An NCO: Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth, and chews them, and freezes water in a speeding glance. He is God.
Leaps over tall buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a locomotive, is faster than a speeding bullet, walks on water, and gives policy to God.
Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings in a single bound, is more powerful than a switch engine, is just as fast as a speeding bullet, walks on water if sea is calm, and talks to God.
Lieutenant Colonel:
Leaps over short buildings with a running start and a favorable wind, is almost as powerful as a switch engine, is as fast as a speeding b-b, walks on water in an indoor pool, and talks to God if special request is approved.
Major:
Barely clears quonset huts, loses tug-of-war with locomotives, can fire a speeding bullet, swims well, and is occassionally addressed by God.
Captain:
Makes high marks when trying to leap buildings, is run over by locomotives, can someimes handle a weapon without inflicting self-injury, can doggie-paddle, and talks to animals.
First Lieutenant:
Runs into buildings, recognizes locomotives two out of three times, is not issued ammunition, can stay afloat if properly instructed, and talks to water.
Second Lieutenant:
Falls over doorsills when trying to enter buildings, says "look at the choo-choo," wets himself with a water pistol, and mumbles to himself.
An NCO: Lifts building and then walks under them, kicks locomotives off the track, catches speeding bullets in his teeth, and chews them, and freezes water in a speeding glance. He is God.
Monday, September 11, 2006
Hillbilly's Letter Home from the Army
Dear Ma and Pa
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Army beats working for Old Man Minch a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things -- no hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. You got to shave, but it is not bad in warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, beef, ham steak, fried eggplant, pie and regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit between two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon, when you get fed.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches," which, the Sgt. says, are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys all get sore feet and we ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sgt. is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Capt. is like the school board. Cols. and Gens. just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bull's-eye is near as big as a chipmunk and don't move. And it ain't shooting at you, like the Higsett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it, you don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellows get onto this setup and come stampeding in.
Your loving son, Zeb
P.S. Speaking of shooting, enclosed is $200 for barn roof and ma's teeth. The city boys shoot craps, but not very good.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
MERE ACCIDENT
Private Klouse was asked by the judge at the trial: "Why did you shoot at that sergeant?"
"It was an accident, sir."
"Accident?"
"Yes, sir. I said an accident. I wasn't shooting at the sergeant really. I was shooting at the captain behind him."
"It was an accident, sir."
"Accident?"
"Yes, sir. I said an accident. I wasn't shooting at the sergeant really. I was shooting at the captain behind him."
Friday, September 08, 2006
Russian military humor
- Sergeant, what should I do if my parachute won't open?
- Bring it back and I'll replace it.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Veterans
Two veterans were boasting to each other about their old army days. "Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."
"What was the jingle?" asked the first.
"Oh," replied the other off hand, "just our medals."
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
HIGH IQ
At an Army reception center a volunteer was undergoing an IQ test.
"Well, Nicholson, determine what it is - it's a piece of the soldier's equipment which has two soles, 12 holes for laces and is worn on man's feet?
"I can't guess, sir," was the reply.
"But it's easy, man. It's a pair of shoes. Now tell the board what piece of the soldier's equipment has the same but twice more: four soles, 24 holes for laces and is on man's feet?!"
"Dunno, sir."
"Come on, man. It's two pairs of shoes. Now the last question-what has six feet, wings and flies in May?"
"Oh, that easy," cried the volunteer, "It's three pair of shoes!"
"Well, Nicholson, determine what it is - it's a piece of the soldier's equipment which has two soles, 12 holes for laces and is worn on man's feet?
"I can't guess, sir," was the reply.
"But it's easy, man. It's a pair of shoes. Now tell the board what piece of the soldier's equipment has the same but twice more: four soles, 24 holes for laces and is on man's feet?!"
"Dunno, sir."
"Come on, man. It's two pairs of shoes. Now the last question-what has six feet, wings and flies in May?"
"Oh, that easy," cried the volunteer, "It's three pair of shoes!"
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Old general
The general went to the doctor for a physical. Before he began, the doctor asked him the standard questions -- age, height, weight, and then he asked when was the last time the general had sex.
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 2113.'
from miljokes.com
'Oh,' he mused, 'It was 1945.'
'Isn't that a long time to go without sex?' the doctor asked.
'I don't think so. According to your clock it's only 2113.'
from miljokes.com
Who Deleted My Battleship?
Hilarious Tale of Woeful, Warlike Computing
Who Deleted My Battleship? Was it you?
This is what happens when you use Windows NT to run a battleship!
(Based on a true story: See footnote)
This is a cautionary tale for those of you who've never been in the British Navy. We have an incredibly proud tradition of warlike seamanship, much of which is traced back to the heroics of Admiral Nelson, at the Battle of Trafalgar, in 1805. But, I must not digress; that's another story.
So you won't be surprised to learn that, as a sea-captain, which as I'm sure you know, is a responsible office, in Her Majesty's Navy, I, and several of my fellow seamen, was asked to travel to the United States of America to witness the transformation of one of their pre-eminent battleships, The USS Yorktown, into a fully digitalised warrior-of-waves.
So far, so good. Lucky chap, I hear you say. And, thus far, I find myself agreeing with you. Our trans-Atlantic flights were pleasant enough. Perhaps I should point out that we're not as lucky as some of our erstwhile friends in Politics, who habitually co-opt Her Majesty The Queen's Flight for such appointments. I'm afraid that I, and my fellow adventurers had to make do with passages as steerage aboard a US transport plane, leaving on a routine logistics mission from RAF Mildenhall.
Our transfer to The Yorktown herself was uneventful enough, and I shan't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that by noon, on the day after our airlift, I, and eleven other British Naval officers, was stowing my mess-kit in a pristine set of steel cupboards, in my berth, aboard one of the finest battleships in the world. Well, I must say, I was delighted. And, though not much was said, there were many broad smiles among my group as we assembled on the upper deck at the captain's request for an honourable tour of the vessel.
We didn't have long to drink our toasts and engage the spirit of our new-found friends. I'm sure, as you can appreciate, we serving officers have much work to do at home. So, for those reasons and others, we only joined the Yorktown on the eve before she set sail.
At dinner there was much frivolity, as is customary on a warship in times of peace. If you've not seen a naval captain's cabin, you must understand that it's a thing of beauty, let me tell you that. Its walls are panelled. And pictures of great seafaring men and their deeds hang all about. Great trestle tables sport gleaming silverware. And well-polished men, in white, gilded and braided mess-undress uniforms attend to their positions for the captain's inspection. Invariably he instructs his guests to be, "at ease, gentlemen," and shoulders may all slide a little once that order has been given. But, that this is a formal dinner engagement should never be forgotten.
After an excellent dinner and a modicum of fortified port wine, I slept soundly in my bunk. And, I must inform you, that I was a little disorientated when I awoke in the midst of our military manoeuvres.
We had an open invitation to join the captain on the bridge. I'm sure you'll understand that our task as naval observers would have been greatly hampered had this not been the case. When fighting-the-ship, as it's known, it's customary for battle-dressed men to stand to action-stations, and for officers to maintain their watches. We British visitors were mindful of the fact that in our case neither of these duties pertained to us. However, we were anxious to give the impression of being serving officers, during an engagement.
And, so now that I've acquainted you, both with myself and my situation, let me tell you then the cause of my astonishment. Things began to go seriously awry when the Mark Manners, First Missile Officer, shouted out "Ahoy there, shipmates! I can't see my ship!"
"What do you mean, you can't see the ship?" a tactical officer replied. "It should be apparent to all on board that you're standing on her deck!"
"No, look!" cried Mark, pointing into his view-finder. "There's no ship here, look!"
Of course we all did look. And Mark was right. His gunsight, which should have displayed the USS Yorktown's upper missile deck, actually showed nothing at all.
"What have you done with it?" the tactical officer cried. "Those guns were there an hour ago!"
At that point Mark's screen turned blue, and a large, white error message appeared: Microsoft Windows NT Memory Out of Range. Please Reboot The System And Try Again.
"How do you reboot a weapons system?" Mark asked.
I said, "Control, Alt, Delete."
Error, the system said. Weapons not found. Would you like another system?
"This is a friggin' battle!" Mark cried. "How the hell can I use another system?"
As Mark Manners hammered on his weapons console, the entire ship came to a halt. The captain appeared on the weapons deck.
"Ok," Captain Riggins said. "Which one of you jokers broke the new computer?"
"Warning, enemy ships approaching!" the radar's speakers cried. "Warning, enemy ships, two nautical miles, and closing."
"What do we do now?" Captain Riggins said. "The engine won't start without the computer!"
That's not good, I thought.
"How many of your men can swim?" I asked.
It's a sorry sight to see a whole battleship's crew and its guests stripping down to their underpants and putting on inflatable, rubber armbands. I held my nose. I hate jumping into cold water, especially from the deck of a battleship. It's an awfully long way down from up there.
And so, that's the story of how several hundred highly trained, American naval officers, and twelve of their British guests, came to be mostly naked, and swimming about aimlessly, in the Atlantic Ocean, off the coast of Cape Charles.
Moral of the tale:
Footnote:
Who Deleted My Battleship? Was it you?
This is what happens when you use Windows NT to run a battleship!
(Based on a true story: See footnote)
This is a cautionary tale for those of you who've never been in the British Navy. We have an incredibly proud tradition of warlike seamanship, much of which is traced back to the heroics of Admiral Nelson, at the Battle of Trafalgar, in 1805. But, I must not digress; that's another story.
So you won't be surprised to learn that, as a sea-captain, which as I'm sure you know, is a responsible office, in Her Majesty's Navy, I, and several of my fellow seamen, was asked to travel to the United States of America to witness the transformation of one of their pre-eminent battleships, The USS Yorktown, into a fully digitalised warrior-of-waves.
So far, so good. Lucky chap, I hear you say. And, thus far, I find myself agreeing with you. Our trans-Atlantic flights were pleasant enough. Perhaps I should point out that we're not as lucky as some of our erstwhile friends in Politics, who habitually co-opt Her Majesty The Queen's Flight for such appointments. I'm afraid that I, and my fellow adventurers had to make do with passages as steerage aboard a US transport plane, leaving on a routine logistics mission from RAF Mildenhall.
Our transfer to The Yorktown herself was uneventful enough, and I shan't bore you with the details. Suffice it to say that by noon, on the day after our airlift, I, and eleven other British Naval officers, was stowing my mess-kit in a pristine set of steel cupboards, in my berth, aboard one of the finest battleships in the world. Well, I must say, I was delighted. And, though not much was said, there were many broad smiles among my group as we assembled on the upper deck at the captain's request for an honourable tour of the vessel.
We didn't have long to drink our toasts and engage the spirit of our new-found friends. I'm sure, as you can appreciate, we serving officers have much work to do at home. So, for those reasons and others, we only joined the Yorktown on the eve before she set sail.
At dinner there was much frivolity, as is customary on a warship in times of peace. If you've not seen a naval captain's cabin, you must understand that it's a thing of beauty, let me tell you that. Its walls are panelled. And pictures of great seafaring men and their deeds hang all about. Great trestle tables sport gleaming silverware. And well-polished men, in white, gilded and braided mess-undress uniforms attend to their positions for the captain's inspection. Invariably he instructs his guests to be, "at ease, gentlemen," and shoulders may all slide a little once that order has been given. But, that this is a formal dinner engagement should never be forgotten.
After an excellent dinner and a modicum of fortified port wine, I slept soundly in my bunk. And, I must inform you, that I was a little disorientated when I awoke in the midst of our military manoeuvres.
We had an open invitation to join the captain on the bridge. I'm sure you'll understand that our task as naval observers would have been greatly hampered had this not been the case. When fighting-the-ship, as it's known, it's customary for battle-dressed men to stand to action-stations, and for officers to maintain their watches. We British visitors were mindful of the fact that in our case neither of these duties pertained to us. However, we were anxious to give the impression of being serving officers, during an engagement.
And, so now that I've acquainted you, both with myself and my situation, let me tell you then the cause of my astonishment. Things began to go seriously awry when the Mark Manners, First Missile Officer, shouted out "Ahoy there, shipmates! I can't see my ship!"
"What do you mean, you can't see the ship?" a tactical officer replied. "It should be apparent to all on board that you're standing on her deck!"
"No, look!" cried Mark, pointing into his view-finder. "There's no ship here, look!"
Of course we all did look. And Mark was right. His gunsight, which should have displayed the USS Yorktown's upper missile deck, actually showed nothing at all.
"What have you done with it?" the tactical officer cried. "Those guns were there an hour ago!"
At that point Mark's screen turned blue, and a large, white error message appeared: Microsoft Windows NT Memory Out of Range. Please Reboot The System And Try Again.
"How do you reboot a weapons system?" Mark asked.
I said, "Control, Alt, Delete."
Error, the system said. Weapons not found. Would you like another system?
"This is a friggin' battle!" Mark cried. "How the hell can I use another system?"
As Mark Manners hammered on his weapons console, the entire ship came to a halt. The captain appeared on the weapons deck.
"Ok," Captain Riggins said. "Which one of you jokers broke the new computer?"
"Warning, enemy ships approaching!" the radar's speakers cried. "Warning, enemy ships, two nautical miles, and closing."
"What do we do now?" Captain Riggins said. "The engine won't start without the computer!"
That's not good, I thought.
"How many of your men can swim?" I asked.
It's a sorry sight to see a whole battleship's crew and its guests stripping down to their underpants and putting on inflatable, rubber armbands. I held my nose. I hate jumping into cold water, especially from the deck of a battleship. It's an awfully long way down from up there.
And so, that's the story of how several hundred highly trained, American naval officers, and twelve of their British guests, came to be mostly naked, and swimming about aimlessly, in the Atlantic Ocean, off the coast of Cape Charles.
Moral of the tale:
There's just one necessary word of caution to add. If you ever get put in charge of an American battleship, especially one called USS Yorktown, don't install Windows NT on its control systems. And if you do, never, ever, ever ask them to divide by the number zero. Because, if you do, you'll have to strip off to your underpants and jump into the water!
Footnote:
In September of 1997, the USS Yorktown died in the water when its network of NT
machines experienced a cascading failure due to a divide by zero. The Navy's
Smart Ship program was meant to reduce the number of people needed to operate a
ship.
Monday, September 04, 2006
Military Talk
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
PROGRESSIVE REGRESS
When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."
Sunday, September 03, 2006
Saturday, September 02, 2006
AS PRECAUTION
The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself."
"By shooting?" reasked the company commander, "Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
"By shooting?" reasked the company commander, "Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible."
Friday, September 01, 2006
Sorry...
Two members of the British Lothian and Borders traffic police were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun recently, happily engaged in apprehending speeding motorists, when their equipment suddenly locked-up completely with an unexpected reading of well over 300 mph.
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe.
It seems that the Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily, the Harrier was operating unarmed.
Otherwise... "Gee Officer, sorry about your patrol car........"
The mystery was explained seconds later as a low flying Harrier hurtled over their heads. The boys in blue, upset at the damage to their radar gun, put in a complaint to the RAF, but were somewhat chastened when the RAF pointed out that the damage might well have been more severe.
It seems that the Harrier's target-seeker had locked onto the 'enemy' radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack. Luckily, the Harrier was operating unarmed.
Otherwise... "Gee Officer, sorry about your patrol car........"
Thursday, August 31, 2006
CHAIN OF COMMAND
THE COLONEL TO THE EXECUTIVE:
At nine o'clock tomorrow there, will be an eclipse of the sun, something which does not occur every day. Get the men to fall out in the company street in their fatigues so that they will be able to see this rare phenomenon. Should it rain we will not be able to see anything, so take the men to the gym.
THE EXECUTIVE TO THE CAPTAIN:
By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at nine o'clock, there will be an eclipse of the Sun; if it rains, you will not be able to see it from the company street, so then, take the men in fatigues to the gym. The eclipse of the Sun will take place in the gym, something that does not occur every day.
THE CAPTAIN TO THE LIEUTENANT:
By order of the Colonel in fatigues tomorrow at nine o'clock in the morning the inauguration of the eclipse of the sun will take place in the gym. The Colonel will give the order if it should rain, something which occurs every day.
THE LIEUTENANT TO THE SERGEANT:
Tomorrow at nine o'clock the Colonel in fatigues will eclipse the Sun in the gym, as it occurs every day. If it is a nice day you will fall out in the company street.
THE SERGEANT TO THE CORPORAL: Tomorrow at nine the eclipse of the Colonel in fatigues will take place because of the Sun. If it rains in the gym, something which does not take place every day, you will fall out in the company street.
COMMENTS AMONG THE PRIVATES: Tomorrow, if it rains, it looks as if the Sun will eclipse the Colonel in the gym. It is a shame that this does not occur every day.
At nine o'clock tomorrow there, will be an eclipse of the sun, something which does not occur every day. Get the men to fall out in the company street in their fatigues so that they will be able to see this rare phenomenon. Should it rain we will not be able to see anything, so take the men to the gym.
THE EXECUTIVE TO THE CAPTAIN:
By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at nine o'clock, there will be an eclipse of the Sun; if it rains, you will not be able to see it from the company street, so then, take the men in fatigues to the gym. The eclipse of the Sun will take place in the gym, something that does not occur every day.
THE CAPTAIN TO THE LIEUTENANT:
By order of the Colonel in fatigues tomorrow at nine o'clock in the morning the inauguration of the eclipse of the sun will take place in the gym. The Colonel will give the order if it should rain, something which occurs every day.
THE LIEUTENANT TO THE SERGEANT:
Tomorrow at nine o'clock the Colonel in fatigues will eclipse the Sun in the gym, as it occurs every day. If it is a nice day you will fall out in the company street.
THE SERGEANT TO THE CORPORAL: Tomorrow at nine the eclipse of the Colonel in fatigues will take place because of the Sun. If it rains in the gym, something which does not take place every day, you will fall out in the company street.
COMMENTS AMONG THE PRIVATES: Tomorrow, if it rains, it looks as if the Sun will eclipse the Colonel in the gym. It is a shame that this does not occur every day.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
"Army of One" vs. "Army of Fun"
The Clandestine Insurgent Rebel Clown Army (CIRCA) occupied the
military recruitment center in downtown Oakland for about 45 minutes
until we were forced out and the center shut down for the day.
Gooooo Clowns! (Lots of silly pictures)
military recruitment center in downtown Oakland for about 45 minutes
until we were forced out and the center shut down for the day.
Gooooo Clowns! (Lots of silly pictures)
A "Personals" Ad From The Pentagon
ENEMY WANTED -- Mature, lonely, North American superpower seeks hostile-sounding and muscular-looking but internally moribund nation for international competitive bluster, mutual threat inflation, political-military gymnastics, and general bellicose finger pointing. Looking to fill post-Cold War ennui and lost missile envy. Scare-mongers who relish dogmatic confrontation, able to appear 10 feet tall, and willing to build real and imaginary mirror image weapon systems need only apply. Must appear sufficiently menacing to frighten more money and previous Cold War-era weapon systems out of Congress, but must threaten only opponent's marginal interests, and must not present any real intellectual challenge. Accompaniment by fierce, Third World allies who know how to fight is also not desirable. Oafish, senile leaders definitely a plus. Possession of large, phallic ballistic missiles (large throw weight only), and/or chem-bio also a plus--willful violations of feckless arms control agreements will earn continuing thanks. Location: preferably near enough to threaten petroleum and trade markets to ensure perpetual business as usual.
Reply with videos of goose-stepping troops, parade-optimized tank battalions, U.S. flag burnings, chanting, dazed eyed crowds, and haranguing, incoherent speeches. Send c/o "Shali," The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. Please no publicity shy competents or third world nations that have previously embarrassed advertiser.
Reply with videos of goose-stepping troops, parade-optimized tank battalions, U.S. flag burnings, chanting, dazed eyed crowds, and haranguing, incoherent speeches. Send c/o "Shali," The Pentagon, Washington, D.C. Please no publicity shy competents or third world nations that have previously embarrassed advertiser.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Military Planner's Rule of Management
Adapted from "Dogbert's Top Secret Management Handbook" by Scott Adams
- The Boss is always right, even when he is stupid.
- The physical laws of time and space were meant to be broken.
- The problem is not a lack of resources, it's a lack of meetings.
- When in doubt, ask for status reports.
- If the Boss is talking, then he's communicating.
- Low morale is caused by character flaws in the planners.
- If ten people can complete a plan in ten days, then one person can complete the plan in one day.
- Teamwork is when other people do your work for you.
- Sickness in a planner is a manifestation of laziness.
- Abuse is a form of recognition. And recognition is what every planner wants.
Russian milirary humor
A soldier is being led to the place of his execution.
-Some bad weather we`re having,-he says to his convoy.
-Look who`s complaining, they say, we have to go back.
-Some bad weather we`re having,-he says to his convoy.
-Look who`s complaining, they say, we have to go back.
Monday, August 28, 2006
Russian and American submarines
German fisherman was at the sea with a small boat. After some time American submarine surfaced near him. The captain asked the fisherman: "Have You seen any Russian submarines lately?" "Yes, I have, they went to north-east", the fisherman replied.
"Thanks very much", and off they went, to north-east... After some time, Russian submarine surfaced, and their commander asked the same fisherman, "Have You seen any American submarines lately?"
Fishermans answer was the same: "Yes, and they went to north-east."
"What?", asked russian submarines commander.
"I said, they went to north-east!"
"What a hell means north-east, You'd better show us the direction with your hand, if You don't want us to sink you!"
"Thanks very much", and off they went, to north-east... After some time, Russian submarine surfaced, and their commander asked the same fisherman, "Have You seen any American submarines lately?"
Fishermans answer was the same: "Yes, and they went to north-east."
"What?", asked russian submarines commander.
"I said, they went to north-east!"
"What a hell means north-east, You'd better show us the direction with your hand, if You don't want us to sink you!"
Sunday, August 27, 2006
REALISM
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
http://miljokes.com
"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.
"What painter?"
"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."
"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"
"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"
http://miljokes.com
Mom's wisdom
As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son had an announcement to make: He'd just signed up at an army recruiter's office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
"Oh, come on, quit pulling our legs," snickered one: "You didn't really do that, did you?"
"I'm positive you'd never get through basic training" scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help; but she was just gazing at him.
When she finally spoke, it was to voice a single question: "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"
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