Military Affairs

Three men met at a military function and started to introduce themselves to one another.First man: I am a Major in the Air Force, married, have two sons – one is a doctor and the other a lawyer.Second man: I am a Major in the Marines, married, have two sons – one is a businessman and the other a company chief executive.Third man: I am a Private in the Army, unmarried, have two sons – and both are Majors!

Snow job

Airmen had to launch two E-3 AWACS from a National Guard base after a heavey snow strom. Well after a 5 hour delay waiting for the snow to be plowed of, they were able to take-off. The planes taxied off and stoped a hundred yards to the flight line. The civilians had forgot to finish the rest of the taxi way.

Briefing

The company sergeant is briefing the recruits:
“For the next ten weeks the commanding officer will be your father,and I will be your mother. Incidentally we are not married, so youknow what that makes you…”

Military Duty Hours

MARINES: Reveille at 05:00, train until 20:00.
ARMY: Reveille at 06:00, train until 19:00.
NAVY: Get out of bed at 09:00, train until 11:00, lunch until 13:00, train until 16:00.
AIR FORCE: Awaken at 10:00, breakfast in bed, train from 11:00 to 12:00, lunch at 12:00, train from 13:00 to 14:00, nap at 14:00, awaken from nap at 15:00, training ceases at 15:00.

Are you a real MARINE?

A MARINE dressed to kill with Marine shirt, hat, and Dress Blue Slacks went into a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his Hawaiian Punch, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink, she turned to the Marine and asked him: "Are you a real Marine?" To which he replied: "Well, I have spent my whole life in the Marine Corps, herding soldiers, breaking into a sweat, and being an asshole. I guess I am a real Marine." After a short while, he asked her what she was. She replied: "I've never been in the Marine Corps, so I'm not a Marine, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. For instance, as soon as I get up in the morning, I think of women. When I eat, shower, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women." A short while later she left and the Marine ordered another Hawaiian Punch. A couple sat down next to him and asked: "Are you a real MARINE?" He replied: "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian."

Trainee promotion

One day a general was traveling down the back roads of Lackland Air Force base when his driver lost control of the vehicle and crashed. A quick thinking basic-trainee pulled the general from the burning wreck seconds before it exploded. "Son for your quick thinking and bravery" said the general, " I want to promote you." "Any rank you'd like is yours for saving my life". The stunned trainee sat speechless Thinking. "How's about we make you a 2nd Lieutenant?" "Would you like that, a commission right out of basic training?" asked the general. "I don't think so, sir" the trainee replied. "Well how about a 1st Lieutenant then, that's a step higher?" Again the trainee thought, and refused. "Well son, Captain is the next step above that, and as high as I'd be able to promote you, how's that sound?" "The trainee thought for a minute and sheepishly replied, "Well Sir, 2nd Lieutenant, 1st Lieutenant, Captain, they all sound good, but what I'd really like to be, well, is a Master Sergeant." "I'm very sorry son, I can't do that " the general replied, " you have to test to become a Master Sergeant."

Wrap your weiner, or else!

A young soldier won an all expenses paid vacations to the Orient for 7 days, on a radio contest. He decided that he would spend each night with a different woman, even if he had to pay for it.

The day after his return he got up for duty and went to the latrine for some relief. Suddenly there was a serious burning pain in his groin area. He looked down to discover that his Johnson was multi-colored and swollen.

He rushed to the sick call. After the examination the doctor said " It looks bad, we will have to amputate your member." To which the young man responds "No way, I'm gonna get a second opinion."

However, after consulting 3 civilian doctors he got the same thing, amputation was the only way to cure this.

While fretting over the news, he hit upon an idea. Since he got this in China, why not go to a Chinese Doctor. He went found a Dr. Chin and told him what the other doctors had said. To which Dr. Chin replied “Those crazy American doctors, always wanting to perform unnecessary surgery. I have seen this many times and I can assure you that surgery will not be needed.”

Well that was the best news he had ever heard. He said, “So Doc how do we fix this?”

Dr. Chin relied, “Fix. Hell in 2, 3 days tops, that’s gonna fall off all by itself.”